i have decided: The government needs some help with fixing this economy. I think i can help. I'll be asking them for a million dollars in a bailout check of my own, so I can do my part in getting America strong again. I'll use this bailout money to 1) Pay off my mortgage. This will help keep Countrywide from needing to ask for money from the government. Paying off my Bank of America and Citigroup cards will also help with their liquidity problems. 2) Pay off my TD Bankcorp home equity loan. It's really not helping our economy that I'm paying interest to a bunch of Canadians. 3) Remodel my home. This will put countless potential dozens of American workers and craftsmen to work in my kitchen, bathroom and what I intend to be my new sunroom and garage. I think I'll have some landscaping done too - but I'll be sure no illegal aliens are involved (you know how those landscapers are). 4) Up my steak consumption to twice a week, minimum. We need to support the farmers and ranchers in the heartland of this great nation! 5) Buy at least one new computer. Possibly more. Apple is an American company, right? I just hope they don't assemble it in Taiwan. 6) Hire a receptionist and a salesperson, for my new central office that i'll be furnishing with only American-made desks and chairs. Might have to go with a Japanese phone system, though. Not sure anyone here makes that stuff anymore. If anyone has Secretary of Treasury Paulson's cellphone number, please let me know. I need to contact him so I can ask where the heck my bailout check is. why you'd be better off with me having the money Well, first off, i'm frugal. I know the value of a dollar. When I buy laundry detergent, for example, I compare them based on loads-washed-per-dollar, or "LWPD." And I buy that really cheap stuff. You know, the stuff with the instructions in English and Spanish on the label. I mean, that stuff is like one third the cost of the brand name detergents. How the heck do they even do that? If i was the guy in charge of marketing Tide I'd be pretty worried, especially in these tough times. I'll bet Alan Mulally buys the most expensive stuff. In short, giving me my much smaller bailout check will help a lot more than giving those big companies those huge bailout checks. the UAW is good for us all And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. – Colonel Kurtz, Apocalypse Now A lot of people are going to point the finger at the United Auto Workers for making the Big Three uncompetetve, for forcing their auto prices higher than foreign-owned auto makers whose vehicles are made here in the USA. Cars made by GM, Ford and Chrysler are reportedly $1000 - $1500 more expensive in order to pay for whats being called over $70.00 an hour in average wages and compensation costs per hour worked by the average United Auto Workers member at those companies. I say that those who feel this is an obstacle to the bailout money asked for by those companies aren't seeing the full picture clearly. Lets think about this for a minute. With a large percentage of the U.S workforce being employed through the United Auto Workers, when they do well, it makes it look like we're all doing well, right? So they start getting paid less money, it's going to make it look like the average American's wages are less. We all need to do our part, by paying our taxes, so the U.S. governement can give that money to the Big Three, so they can go on paying their employees to live in the fashion to which they've become accustomed. Hey, once i get my million dollars in bailout money, I'll be happy to contribute (a little, anyway) to helping them stay afloat. Just don't ask me to trade my Nissan for a Ford, ok? |
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